


I dreamt I saw you in a dream

by girlfriendism



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Afterlife, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-31
Updated: 2020-12-31
Packaged: 2021-03-10 18:34:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,311
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28451724
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/girlfriendism/pseuds/girlfriendism
Summary: Kenma dies and finds the sun.
Relationships: Hinata Shouyou/Kozume Kenma
Kudos: 5





	I dreamt I saw you in a dream

**Author's Note:**

> tw for death , self-depreciation (?) and just kind of a depressive state
> 
> this is my first work so please leave a comment even if just to say you couldn't get past the first paragraph :))
> 
> (i dont know what this is. i guess i was just projecting and i have no idea if this is out of character because i dont really have the ability to perceive other people...)

Everything's hopeless from the beginning. We're all doomed from the moment we're born. We come from a hollow void and pretend our existence is meaningful for the brief years we're alive, only to (allegedly) go back to that same void. So most people find death scary. They find it scary to think of an end. They find it scary to become a limp and decayed body that'll eventually be forgotten. Dead people don't talk or move. They don't feel. And it really is scary not to feel anything or think or exist. So people seek comfort, a reason to go on, and they find hope in the afterlife. In believing there's something more, that death is a new beginning.

Kenma died and found out that you don't actually go back to the void. The afterlife exists, however, contrary to popular belief, there isn't a place for good and bad people. You just stay on earth, wandering among the living and unable to see the dead. You only exist as your consciousness, like a wisp of wind, a soft breeze without a shape. Your body existing but only for you, in your imagination. Kenma figured out lots of stuff about his new condition like, you're able to touch people but neither of you are able to feel it. Pretty weird feeling, yet, the weirdest thing was that he couldn't hear anything at all. Not people talking, not the birds chirping, not cars passing him in lightning speed. Nothing.

(this kenma doesn't know, but its in the afterlife that you find your soulmate. their voice is the only thing you can hear for the whole eternity.)

\---

But everything's still hopeless.

He had been living like this for... he had no idea how long. There was no way he could have any sense of time. It was impossible to have a sense of anything really. Maybe he had been wrong when he thought there wasn't a place for bad people in the afterlife. This was torture. It was torture not knowing why he was there, what he was supposed to do. Not knowing if it was ever going to end.

_Please just make it stop! I can't do anything. I can't eat or sleep, I can't listen to music or do anything I like. I can't talk to anyone and I'm useless like this. I'm useless and I feel empty. No one can see me and I feel abandoned and forgotten and lonely. So fucking lonely. I feel numb and empty and the emptiness is so consuming i cannot bare to pretend everything's okay. Not pretend for someone else but pretend for myself. I can't even breathe. I don't have a human body. Humans think and love and feel and I just think and I don't understand what I did to have my humanity taken away and I don't know if it's my fault but I'd like to be human. What I need will never come and no matter how much I seek I won't find it. I wasn't born for great things, nor to find my place. And it hurts. It hurts so much to not be able to do anything or to escape or to feel. It hurts because I don't even know if this is all a nightmare I created and am stuck in. Forever. And it physically hurts. I feel my guts twisting and I feel myself shrink to nothingness and my head throbs and I would pass out if I was human._

\---

_And in the midst of drowning, getting farther away from the light every second, there seems to be a hand reaching out but it's so faint I wonder if it's really there or if it's a product of my imagination and it's so far away I couldn't reach it if I wanted to. But the hand is persistent and stays when I expected it to have gone away already. It gets closer and closer and it's getting to me faster than I'm sinking. But I'm sure you don't want to save me, it's too much work. You'll give up halfway through it and it's okay. I understand because I would do the same. But it doesn't go away. I can see it neatly now. Don't come any closer we'll both drown this way._

\---

A flick of hope.

A faint yell in the distance. Too quiet for him to understand.

_What the fuck._

His vision started getting blurry and before he could think about it he was going toward the source of the sound, his (non-existent) heart pounding in his ears. Getting closer to a high school the voice got louder and louder.

It came from the volleyball court, a boy drenched in sweat, his smile so pure and passionate kenma could die (again).

Hinata Shouyou made him feel like that, the butterflies everyone talks about flying from his stomach to his throat and making him drown but not the way he's used to drowning. Feeling like he's about to combust just because he's looking at Shouyou. His head throbing but not the way it always has. Shouyou twisted his world around and for a second Kenma forgot anything bad ever happened in his life. He did not understand why Shouyou was the only person he could hear but he couldn't care less at the moment.

Because Shouyou was ethereal and Kenma couldn’t get enough of him. He'd be around him everyday and it was amazing. It was amazing watching him, so determined and beaming with joy, so contagious everyone around him would get in a good mood too. He couldn't talk to him, couldn't let him know he was there, but he still liked to see him. See his smile, see his laugh, see his excitement when he was playing volleyball, see how passionate he was. Yet, the best was definitely hearing him babble about whatever or hear him hum a song he couldn't get out of his head or just sing it out loud like he wants the whole world to hear it. The whole world wasn't hearing him but Kenma's world was hearing him. (he wished there was a way to let him know)

And like that, Kenma felt like he was drowning in something completely different and he loved it and if he knew he'd meet Shouyou he would die a thousand times.

\---

He loves it but it also stings. It stings and hurts because Kenma wondered what it would have been like if he met Shouyou when he was alive. And it stings because it wouldn't be better. If he was alive he could talk to Shouyou, let him know he was there (maybe hold his hand and hug him in a friendly way). But it was unrealistic to think it would be anything more than that. Shouyou and Kenma were nothing alike. Kenma was kind of scrawny, moody and awkward, so he was aware that, pretty, ambitious, passionate, bright, funny, charming, friendly Shouyou would NOT like him. At least definitely not the way he wanted him to.

But everything's so different now. Even when these thoughts play on a loop inside Kenma's head, he doesn't feel hopeless anymore. Because it's different now. He feels, and he loves and he's human. So it doesn't matter because Shouyou made him human and he likes to feel and love and he likes to love the way he's loving right now and if things were to happen any other way maybe he wouldn't love like this.

Above all, Kenma felt at ease now. Just happy knowing Shouyou exists and is well. Happy he has the privilege to be around Shouyou whenever he wants (all the time). Happy that Shouyou smiles. Because even if Shouyou can't see him, even if Shouyou doesn't know him, even if Shouyou smiles for someone else, Kenma still loves seeing Shouyou smile.

**Author's Note:**

> hey!! if you're here i guess it means you made it through it. thanks for reading!!
> 
> pls leave some constructive criticism or maybe not even constructive, just lemme know what you thought about it.


End file.
